Venting

So Friday I decided to try 4 mi before work. A mile into it I realized that I had no business attempting any more than 3 mi. I was jogging on the cliffs when I noticed the tide was ridiculously low. I rarely run on the beach but the hard packed sand and glistening water called to me. Considering I pretty knew this run wasn't going to be very worthwhile, I scaled down the cliffs where the surfers cut down to the beach. I finally managed to make it down and headed back to my place along the water. It was quite beautiful, and I would have been in wonderful spirits if not for that little spot down and to the inside of my knee reminding me that not only was I not able to make it to 5 miles today, but I def was not going to be running tomorrow.

Hit up the Gym on Saturday and am starting to like Frogs, which surprised me. I usually don't like big crowded gyms, but I got into a rhythm there and they have a nice little room with carpet and free weights in which I can do about 75% of my routine. Still getting used to the herds of fake boobs and the scary buff older women, but as long as i can get a little niche of space I should be fine.

Today has been a test of my determination to stay positive. I was wary about giving it another go on a run, as the knee wasn't feeling pain free yesterday and I'm really thinking I need to not run unless the previous day was a no pain day (note: definition of pain includes any inkling that there is inflammation. It does not hurt by any means, but its aggravated. Pain is just easier to type). So I decided to get a jump on some work i have to do before monday and feel things out before making a decision. Well, as the sun began warming up the day and the joggers and bikers merrily ran by my balcony, sitting at my desk and writing about legal ethics was not exactly thrilling. I made the mistake of deciding I'd at least change into running clothes and stretch things out. But it was gorgeous and it being later in the day meant I could rock a tank top and shorts. How could I not at least give it a go? I did EXTENSIVE stretching including my whole PT routine to really get things loose. I grabbed my sunglasses, laced up the shoes, and headed out. 

God it felt good. I know there are people who want to strangle me for comparing my run in a long sleeve shirt to one in a tank top as being a huge difference, but the sun on my arms and my face felt fantastic. Things felt ok for about 10 mins, but then i could feel things getting aggravated. I was only planning on going 3 mi and at one point I stopped, not because it was painful, but because i could still feel things flaring up. But I decided to just head in and ice a lot and hope I could maybe circumvent a huge flare up.

So I was pissed when I got home. Pissed because I just want to go on a long run. Pissed cause I should have had 25 mins of enjoyment and instead I was worried about my knee most of the time. And pissed cause if I don't get pissed then I'll start to get afraid. I haven't run longer than 60 mins in 2 years now, and only have run more than 30 mins within the last 5 months.  And nothing has been consistent. It's been slow build up followed by disappointment over and over again. I'm afraid I'll have another two years of struggling to do something that should be a normal natural part of my daily routine. 

So I had to control the panic that was threatening to ensue. I iced then strolled over to the beach and just sat and watched the ocean. I focused on all the things that are going good in my life and focused on the short term of getting better now and building up slow mileage now. I tried to purge my mind of 12 miles runs and fears of things that haven't even materialized. I've iced my knee a lot today, and its not aching for now. I have my PT appointment in two days where I'd like to discuss some potentially more drastic measures. And I'm calming the fuck down.